A note to Kate, re. the Royal Bump

Darling Kate,

Given recent events, it seems a good time to sit down over some tea and scones to offer a bit of friendly advice from someone older and wiser in the ways of pregnancy. (I am, after all, a month ahead of you.) Think of this as a concerned colonial’s note to a future queen.

First up – and this is important – it is vital when pregnant to avoid alienating friends, especially potential baby shower attendees. You might not have noticed, but your joyous leap towards royal motherhood has unwittingly stolen the thunder of every other pregnant woman on the planet. What used to be about us is now all about you. And that’s kind of a drag, especially as your child will never vie for a spot at daycare or be stuck playing euphonium because the faster/smarter/prettier kids got the better instruments in school band.

We’re not asking you to stop being pregnant, heavens no. But could you, perhaps, actually start being pregnant? Apart from puking at the hospital, I mean. Ditch the MaxMara wrap dress, and slip into a pair of track pants and one of Will’s old tees next time you pop out for milk. Or restart your Twitter feed with a rundown of cravings-of-the-day (Pickle scones? Peanut butter and cucumber sandwiches?) and hilarious run-ins with the in-laws.

Because, and it helps that I’m Australian when I say this: That’s not a bump. THIS (points to 38-inch-and-growing abdomen) is a bump. You need to work hard to get yourself one so that you can rightly join the waddling masses. Not because we want you to feel fat, my dear, but because we don’t want you to miss some of the best that pregnancy has to offer. Namely: the ability to not worry about your waistline for the best possible reason. It’s liberating! And it opens up a whole new realm of fashion! When else will you get to wear a muumuu or 1960s tent dress and look entirely appropriate?

Now, we are glad you got to sneak away with Wills for a bit of a babymoon. Most of us nip across the border to try and score a deal on a stroller, or snuggle into a day spa for some pampering. Being stuck on an exclusive Caribbean island with your entire family must have been a bit of a drag (really, do you and Wills get no time alone?), but at least you got some sunshine, and came home looking relaxed.

Make sure you hold onto that feeling, though. Pregnancy prepares you for motherhood in the most inconvenient of ways. If you aren’t already in the thick of night-cramps, fatigue, foggy-headedness, itchy skin and disrupted digestion, buckle in because it’s all on the way.

Yes, pregnancy, like royal marriage, is not for the weak. So screw the tabloids and their ‘bump watch’, and tell those people watching your weight to get a life. Now that you’ve upstaged us, come and join us! It’s time for you to find your high-girth glory!

Yours in spherical solidarity,


5 months belly


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